I am not the most patient person in the world, but I don’t mind waiting for a bit. I just don’t like to wait longer than I have (want) to. Does that make sense? I don’t think any of us want to wait for something we look forward to, ever. It seems like the minutes, hours, and days pass by ever more slowly when we anticipate good things to come to us. But, what about the hard times? What about when a situation seems hopeless. You know there is a solution, but it takes forever. Or maybe we are in the middle of a challenging circumstance, and it doesn’t look like there will be any good that can come out of it, but you keep hearing, “Push through. Keep trying because everything will be alright. Don’t give up.” So you keep pushing, believing that everything will turn out better somehow.
I’m in the middle of one of those waiting moments myself. I know that if the right path is chosen, it will end in a fantastic story. It will inspire and encourage people. I’m not directly involved, but it affects me in some way. Waiting, in any aspect, is never easy. It can be trying and feel impossible at times.
It took seven years before my husband, and I could have kids. I didn’t think I could after a while. There was nothing wrong with us. I had several appointments, tests run, and an ultrasound done. Both of us were healthy. For some reason, I just couldn’t get pregnant. The hardest part for me was wondering why. My question didn’t stem from my capability. It wasn’t a question of if I was able to have children. I believe in a God who does miracles. It was; why wouldn’t God allow it.
You see, back in 2012, I became pregnant. Before I got the chance to find out how far along I was, I miscarried. I experienced pregnancy symptoms, more than just a missed couple of periods. I felt a difference inside of me. After a few, namely five, tests that read positive, I was more than confident, to say the least. But, the excitement soon turned into mourning.
Doubt Isn’t Always The Issue
Sometimes, fear or doubt isn’t what we struggle with. At times, our struggle is with knowing that we know someone who is in control, who promises us the desires of our hearts, and yet, seems not to follow through with these promises. Have you been there? Honestly, I could care less what His reasons are sometimes. If it’s promised to me and I know I am ready, why wait? Waiting periods don’t always look like a waiting period.
There is no visible light at the end of the tunnel. And, at times, these moments can be lonely for us. In the beginning, we have hope, but that hope is lost after a while. After four and a half years, I began to have dreams of motherhood. Now, to help bring clarity, as life moved on for my husband and me, my desire to have children was still strong, but I was healing. I still had moments of sadness, but God was helping me move on.
As I would get these dreams, I would find myself pregnant. I was excited. People knew, and I was pretty far along each time. I began to have hope again and a peace I hadn’t experienced before. One dream, in particular, was life-changing. In my dream, I was due any day. We were excited, and people were celebrating with us. As we were celebrating, God spoke to me and said, “Hey, I love you.
If you want this baby, this precious life, I will bless you with it. I just have a question. Do you love me? Am I enough?” I remember standing in my dream, alone, thinking to myself. My heart sank, but the more I thought about what God said, the more I realized, while my baby wasn’t here on earth, I was still a mother. And the thought of knowing that my baby was in heaven excited me. I could say, without any hesitation, that I knew where it was and that one day, I would see my baby again.
I also began to think about God and His presence in my life. He was present in every moment. He had never left my side. And, while I couldn’t understand why He didn’t intervene to save my baby from leaving this world, I knew that, deep down inside, if I were given a choice to stay here on earth or go be with God, I would choose to be with God. Once I realized this, I replied back to Him, saying, “Yes, God. You are enough. I want to have another baby, but I want you more.”
Timing Is Everything
I learned a very important lesson. And while I don’t always remember to hold onto it and don’t always like it still, I realized that no matter what, God is what I need and want more than anything. Without God, my life is incomplete and not worth living.
I came to peace not having kids if that was what God wanted, not because He impetuously decides who can or can’t have kids, like a dictator and a jerk. I knew my desire to have kids would be worth more to Him than I could imagine. I clung to the knowledge that I desired God more than anything and anyone else. Raising kids is excellent, and after having two of my own, still, God is who I love and cherish most.
Being in the moment, cherishing people with us now, loving those who have left us, and remembering that God is for us matters. He isn’t a genie or some evil ruler. He is a graciously giving God who wants to ask us if He is enough when the desires of our hearts fall short.
In my waiting period, I learned that God is enough.
(1 Chronicles 16:11) “Seek the Lord and His strength; seek His face continually.”
