What God Knows I Need

Life is an adventure. No day is exactly the same, and sometimes, the days look nothing alike. We laugh at the funny moments that come our way and cry when things hurt. And we usually do this alongside someone. There’s usually someone we can always go to. The one person who is always there for us, ready to laugh with us, cry with us, and hand us the tissue when we need it.

He, or she, may hug us, hold us, comfort us, laugh with us, and help us when we need them. Can you think of this person right now? Who comes to your mind? Is it your mother or father? A daughter or best friend? Your husband? Maybe you have more than one person that you go to.

There’s one person in particular that I go to. This is my husband, Chad. I know God brought him into my life, and I love sharing life with him. There’s no one else that I’d prefer to do life with. If I’m sick, he’s there. If my kids are not interested in listening to me, my husband backs me up. And he’s great with them! Sure, life isn’t perfect. We’ve had our ups and downs. Today, February twenty-fifth, marks ten years that we’ve been married and I can say that I don’t think we have this marriage thing down perfectly, but it’s okay. I have my husband to walk through it with me.

Despite having such an amazing husband, there’s one person much more available, present, and eager to be close to me. God. He meets me where I am every day. He notices every action I take, knows my reasons behind them, and is faithful. Back in 2012, I had a miscarriage. My husband and I weren’t trying to have kids at that time, but it was a welcomed gift. Unfortunately, we only had a few days to celebrate being parents when our baby went to be home with Jesus.

It sucked. We were in mourning. Chad was there for me through it all. Sensitive, kind, and compassionate. Still, nothing could fill the emptiness inside. For years, I prayed to God, asking Him why this happened. Asking Him why He would give us a baby and take our baby away. I became angry inside. One moment, mad at God. Then next, mad at my body.

God Was Still There

During the next four and a half years, God would show me how present He was. He would give me reminders throughout His word. In my quiet times with Him, God would point out His presence in people’s lives when they felt alone. He’d show me where He acknowledged their pain and a time when He cried as well.

(Psalms 139:7) “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?”

Jesus was friends with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Lazarus had died, and Jesus came to raise him from the dead. Lazarus’ sisters didn’t know this, and both spoke to the Lord. They knew He was powerful and could have saved their brother if He had come sooner, and yet, they still loved Jesus. They still trusted Him.

As Jesus saw Mary and other jews mourning and crying around Him, He was moved. (John 11:33-35) “When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the other Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled, and said, ‘Where have you laid him?’ They said to Him, ‘Lord, come see.’ Jesus wept.”

When I felt pain and sorrow, I slowly began to see that He was present and cared for me. His heart was tender for me. I still didn’t have answers to why miscarriages are allowed to happen. But, little by little, that didn’t matter as much. I was being met by Him, and I was noticing it.

As time moved on, I began to feel His presence more and more. I was no longer feeling overcome by pain. I was starting to experience His being present in my life. He met my need to know He understood loss in a way unique to me. I had to see that I could trust Him and that I hadn’t been. I needed to be reminded that He was with me through the good and the bad in my life. And when I started living in the confidence of His love, presence in my life, and care for me, it brought me to the point that I could surrender my baby’s life into His hands. I could mourn. I could come to Him about my baby.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)

Giving To God And Letting Go

Grieving was hard, but healing too. I was learning to trust God with my baby. As time went on, I found myself asking God to give my baby hugs and kisses for me. Little by little, I pictured our first introductions when we got to heaven and how special it would be! Days would turn into weeks which turned into months between missing and crying for our baby. But it was getting better. I’d be able to look back and remember my first symptoms and how exciting it was. When your baby is inside you, you are connected in so many ways. As years went by, our desire to have children grew strong. Nothing happened, but we’d continue to trust God. 

After a while, I started having dreams. One dream, in particular, God used to reach out and touch me. I dreamt I was pregnant. In my dream, I was pretty far along. Big belly. Elated. Blessed. I looked down and couldn’t see my feet, but I didn’t mind. People around me celebrated and talked about the baby, and suddenly, God spoke to me. He said, “Natasha, I love you. I want you to be happy. If having this baby will make you happy, I’ll bless you. Can I ask you something? Do you love me more than you love your baby? Am I enough for you?”

As I stood there quietly, I took a moment. I was caught off guard. Suddenly, I was forced to search myself and ask if God truly was enough for me. After a few moments, I responded to Him. I was a little sad, I admit. My response would mean that things would change, but my answer was necessary. I told him, “Lord, You are enough. If it were between you and my baby, I’d choose you. I choose you.”

After I spoke those words, the baby left me to be with God. When I woke up from the dream, I shared it with my husband. I sat up from my bed and couldn’t stop replaying my dream. I knew this was God talking with me, sharing His heart. And you know what? I was overcome by His love for us, by His heart for me. God was who my heart desired above anything and anyone from that day on. I wanted to be a mother, but I wanted God more.

Growth Season

Every growth season has its ups and downs. It’s never easy. It also comes with joys and exciting opportunities. My relationship with God grew stronger. My husband and I grew as a couple, and I found myself enjoying every moment of spontaneity we would share. If we wanted to go to the store at midnight, we could. If we wanted to go somewhere and wing it, we did. And it was fun. We didn’t have to worry about early bedtimes or flu season. We didn’t need to tell people that we were going to the bathroom by ourselves and that they weren’t invited. We didn’t have to wake up every two hours to feed and change diapers, and our grocery bill was not as big as it is now.

We lived in the moment. God taught us so much of His character and gave us this time to learn more about each other. I realized that I was impatient and needed to work on that. He realized that he could get too busy and focused on stuff and needed to slow down. I learned to be less picky about how clean the house should be. Chad started remembering not to leave his clothes everywhere around the house.

We shared things we loved about each other and would find out more about one another. I love when Chad reads his bible and invites me to pray with him. I love when he tells me what he did at work. Chad loves when I do his laundry and put it away. He hates taking laundry out of the dryer and outing them away. He loves when I open the door for him when he comes home from work and greet him. I’m sure we would’ve learned these things about each other while being parents at the time, but it would’ve taken longer. During that time, it was easier to focus and be students of one another. It was a wonderful time for us. We wouldn’t change it.

A New Season For Us

Well, that season ended for us. Six and a half years later, we found out we would have a baby the following year. If that wasn’t a big enough surprise, he was due around the time we found out we were pregnant with baby number one. That was an extra dose of blessing for me. I could now look at that month as not something lost, but something gained, something turned beautiful.

And he was beautiful. Kaelem was born in June and filled our hearts with so much love and joy. I can’t even imagine what God has in store for us. Fifteen months after Kaelem was born, Emberlynn came into our lives. God blessed us with two beautiful children. They are a blessing. Not always easy, but we love them. Chad and I are enjoying this season of our lives. The hugs and cuddles. Their first words and walking. We know God’s plans are better. God sees what we need before we know we need it. His timing is perfect.

He gave us what He knew we needed, in His timing, the way He knew we needed it to come about. We get to enjoy being parents together. We get to follow God’s leading for our lives as individuals, husband and wife, and as mommy and daddy. We get to embark on a journey with our children. Sure, sometimes I don’t always get to shower right away or for as long as I want, but that’s okay. We have to plan things around naps and have to figure out which kid the smell is coming from, but that’s perfectly okay. They are in our lives, and we get to raise them!

(Philippians 4:19) “And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

He did provide. He provided for us in unexpected ways, using unexpected things to guide and take care of us. It’s been an incredible journey. How has God done this for you? I’m sure there are times we can look back on seeing God present and caring for us. Take a pencil and a paper, record your story on your phone, or share it with someone. You never know who might need to hear it.

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